So there was this great book my parents used to read to us when I was little about a kid named Alexander and his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
On the surface, the story seems to be about a child who is having the worst day of his life (I mean, Alexander witnesses his brother discovering a sweeta## toy in his cereal only to come up empty from his own box of Toasty O’s… this is serious sh#t).
It may have taken me 25 years, but I see what was going on all along. This book was actually designed to haunt its readers for life so that every time we, as adults, feel as though the universe has conspired against us to create the neverending day from hell, we are forced to see ourselves as whiny little punks, to recognize the ridiculousness of our woes, and to quit threatening to move to Australia and focus on the beauty of life instead of spiraling into a mopey puddle of self pity.
This book would like us to believe that things are not always as disasterous as they seem. Oh RE-HEEALLY? Well I, for one, would like to make the case that nay, good sirs and madames, THINGS ARE BAD. Real bad. Check it:
Proof That the Apocolypse is Upon Us (or me, at least):
1) Yesterday, my phone died.
2) Which wouldn’t seem so awful, except that my phone charger was nowhere to be found.
3) I finally found it after overturning half the house, which would have been a good thing except that…
4) My sister’s dog peed ON THE CHARGER. I mean right on that little metal piece that fits into the phone. I now have an initimate knowledge of the corrosive power of dog pee. Awesome.
5) Fast forward to this morning. I’m standing outside in the rain with aforementioned demon dog getting soaked whilst holding an umbrella over his head in the hopes that this will inspire him to use the facilities (read: my neighbor’s hedge) so that he will not feel the need to pee on any more of my electronics.
6) After marginal success, I return to the house to put on some nice dry clothes…
7) Only to discover that (due to previous night’s phone charger drama) I’ve forgotten to move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Not only are there no nice dry clothes, there are no dry clothes at all.
Nearly 12 hours later, the world has not yet come to an end. I can’t figure it out. Surely a day that started off this disastrously should end in eternal doom. Right?
Or… maybe everyone has bad days… even people in Austral— wait, what?? NO! Damn you, Alexander!!
My life is over. OOOOOVVVEEEERRR!!
Nope. Wait. Still here.