I Am Too Old For This @#$%

Let me start by saying that Jeff and I had a slight “How I Met Your Mother” problem for a second there. By which I mean, we watched 6 seasons of the show in under three weeks (thank you, Hulu). It was bad.

Really bad.

But apparently not all bad. Because one episode in particular really got us thinking. One of the characters, Ted,  has created something called The Murtuagh List, named for the Die Hard character. Here’s a  little refresher for those of you not familiar with the Lethal Weapon franchise:

Right. So there’s this list of things Ted did a bit of in his younger years and deems he has now outgrown. It’s designed to serve as a reminder of all of the things he’s now too old to be doing. He also discovers, however, that he’s put some things on the list that, yes, in theory we should be too old for but no, in reality, he’s not ready to give up.

With Jeff’s thirtieth birthday looming just around the corner (and the first year of my 30’s nearly over), the two of us decided to sit down and create our Murtaugh List. In the process, we also found ourselves creating a second list: Things We Will Never Get too Old For (and perhaps the purposeful use of dangling participles should be on there…).

So, without further ado, I’d like to share with you our lists. More importantly, I’m very curious to hear yours…. do tell.

The Heironikin Murtaugh List:

1) Couch surfing: Yes, we totally swiped this one off Ted’s list. But this struck a major chord as we watched Ted’s friend Barney attempt to defy this one by crashing on a futon for the night. At some point, it’s time to man (or woman) up and get yourself a hotel room.

2) Living without health insurance: I have until October (the arbitrary month we set for ourselves to stop doing all of the things on our Murtaugh List) to get myself some damn health insurance. For the last few years I’ve been a hypochondriac walking time-bomb. I a) always think I’m dying because, not being able to see a doctor, I assume the worst, and b) live in fear that eventually I’ll do something stupid like trip over a rock and sprain my wrist. A few months ago I was bitten by a cat while taking photos in a shelter and when it swelled up and a big red circle developed I was on the verge of taking random antibiotics from a friend. Fortunately, it turned out to be just an allergic reaction, but seriously? Taking someone else’s leftover drugs? I’m too old for this sh#t.

3) Posters without frames: Period. End of story.

4) Dying my hair any color that resides in the rainbow. Yes, this one applies mostly to me (although Jeff used to bleach his hair back in high school… bwah-ha-ha!). No more pink highlights or comic book black and blue. From here on out, it’s only shades of potentially natural for me. It goes without saying that both Mani Panic and Kool-Aid color are out.

5) Drinking straight from the carton: This one was a point of contention, because I still think if it’s the last sip of milk or O.J. or whatever, than there’s no harm in feeling the rush of rebellion as you swig directly from the bottle. Eventually, though, I allowed this one to pass. In general, I’m good with letting this one live in the past with my single years.

6) Drinking your coffee in frozen form and/or with three pounds of whipped cream on top: This one’s all Jeff. I’m a straight-up espresso or latte girl. Meanwhile, Jeff’s a fan of coffee milkshakes, frappuccinos and anything sugary and creamy enough that you can’t tell it contains coffee at all. We’re going to work on this. It’s time.

7) Waiting tables: Yes, I have an interview today and I may very well be waiting tables by week’s end, but by October of this year I vow to be done with it. I’ve been too old for the service industry for some time now.

8) Cereal for three meals a day: Sometimes all you really want is cereal. What can I say? I’m cutting back, though, I promise.

9) Leaving an empty toilet paper roll on the holder: Also – just setting the new roll on top of the empty roll without actually switching it out. I mean, come on.

10) All nighters: Working through the night is never worth it. Get some damn sleep and get an early start on it. Done with this!

Things We Will Never Get Too Old For:

1) Dessert for breakfast: This was about to go on the Murtaugh list. And then I ate two chocolate chip cookies and decided desserts stay. It’s all about balance. I’ll have a salad for dinner. It’s all good.

2) Playgrounds: Particularly swingsets: If Jeff and I had thought we were above such things, we never would’ve hit it off. Swingsets for LIFE!

3) Theme and/or Waterparks without using children as an excuse: Maybe we’re just two adults who really like roller coasters and wave pools, okay?

4) Skinny dipping: I mean, there’s a time and place. But this one stays.

5) Balloons: I didn’t know this until yesterday, but apparently Jeff *really* likes balloons. We don’t do gifts for Valentines Day, but they had this ludicrously oversized heart-shaped balloon and I had to get it for him. The look on his face was priceless. Bonus points for helium balloons, because you’re definitely never too old to suck the air out of them and talk like a chipmunk.

6) Karaoke: Also, singing songs really loudly that you don’t actually know the words to. Oh wait… that’s usually how we do karaoke.

7) Talking to your pets like they’re people: ‘Cause let’s face it, they practically are.

8) Speaking in a variety of foreign accents: Even in public. Especially in public.

9) Playing outside: Surf, snow, leaf pile, rolling down a hill. Do it all. Forever.

10) All nighters: If you’re engaged in something so fun, exciting, engrossing, that before you knew it the sun was rising and you’re still awake, then it was totally worth it.

#11: Playing dress-up at random vintage specialty shops


3 thoughts on “I Am Too Old For This @#$%

  1. Interesting approach!

    A slight modification for me on anti-Murtaugh #1: Dessert should be an option for ANY meal, AND it should (whenever possible) be eaten first. Also on this list would be “terrorizing little kids” (and high school students if you are the teacher)- never too old for that. Aww haw haw!

    On my Murtaugh list would go many things, but most certainly “streaking” (which actually went on my list by the time I reached 22).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s